Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
