____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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