Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there's paper in my vomit.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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