I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
