just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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