my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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