Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
