The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
