before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
