The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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