Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
