she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
