this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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