Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
