It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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