Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
