Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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