he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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