Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
