Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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