if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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