i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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