oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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