I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
