I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Come on in and take your pants off
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