I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
