Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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