I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
