she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
