um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
