I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
