It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
This baby is an asshole
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
