How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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