Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
