even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
