census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
