I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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