everyone is single if you try hard enough
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
