how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he thought i was a dude.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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