either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
