if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
