The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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