my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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