He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
