Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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