Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
