6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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