Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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