I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
