sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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