420 ftw
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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