so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Randomize
